Corporate Juggler
Are you a go-getter? Go get a corporate job! The position actually used to be six different jobs, but time is money, and if you want money you’re going to have to sacrifice all of your time. So strap your phone to your face and get ready for your first day as a secretary/designer/accountant/publicist/lawyer/delivery person! And don’t forget to pencil in those nine unnecessary meetings you’ll be having each day.
Influencer
Easy money and fame! Free stuff! What more could you ask for? There are no qualifications required for this job—all you need is a phone, and the willingness to lease your entire being to corporations. Who needs humanity and a sense of self when you can get free hot dogs and nipple clamps in the mail?
Underpaid Nurse and/or Teacher
Are you passionate about helping others? Do you also have endless emotional and physical resources? Become a nurse and/or teacher! You may be asked to bring your own supplies from home. (What? You think latex gloves and chalk grow on trees?) Expect objects to be hurled at you daily, and be careful not to get hit, because you won’t have any health insurance.
A.I. Operator
Spend all day watching a computer do the creative things you once dreamed of doing. Make sure that it renders the right number of fingers on a human hand, and that it doesn’t gain consciousness. The work is dull, but you’ll make enough money for rations and to live in a pipe in Williamsburg with twenty other people.
Shadowy War Profiteer
There’s nothing like the thrill of speeding up the demise of your own species! Run troll farms, stoke hatred and uncertainty online, sell weapons to everyone, and fire up a few wars. The pay is good, until humanity destroys itself. After that point, work may be hard to come by.
Billionaire
Unleash your dormant squirrel DNA and start hoarding resources. Sharing is a weakness. Kindness is an obstacle. The more you accumulate, the emptier you’ll feel—the tragedy of being a squirrel-person. Preferred qualifications: big cheeks, generational wealth.
