Most loving parents feel a natural desire to praise their children. Yet, there seems to be a backlash against praise recently, particularly on social media. One of my favorite comedians, Taylor Wolfe, highlighted the anti-praise movement in a viral reel titled “Teaching My Boomer Mom About Millennial Parenting” (watch here if you haven’t already). In this video, she instructs her mother not to say “Good job” or “I’m so proud of you” — a request that her mother clearly finds ridiculous. This video is relatable in part because it showcases the confusion we all feel around praise.
For those of us who grew up in the “self-esteem craze” of the 90’s, it is hard to understand what could be wrong with a seemingly benign and loving phrase like “I’m so proud of you.” Enter gentle parenting influencers. Gentle parenting advocates would argue this type of praise will cause children to become overly dependent on validation from others and ultimately reduce their internal motivation to engage in the behavior.
So what does the research actually find about praising children? Is it an effective way to encourage children or will it make children overly dependent on the approval of others and lacking in internal motivation? Will phrases like “I’m proud of you” and “Good job” really turn your children into “praise junkies”?
The Research on Praise
First, it is important to mention that there is isn’t anything inherently wrong with praise. Praise has long been a tool encouraged by psychologists and included in most evidence-based parenting programs. Most psychologists and researchers consider praise an essential part of positive parenting. Research also suggests that praise generally has a positive impact on children, as praise has been associated with improved academic performance, increased likelihood of engaging in kind and helpful behavior and enhanced social competence. Praise from parents is even associated with increased brain matter in an area of the brain associated with empathy, conscientiousness and open-mindedness. We also don’t have any evidence that praise in general decreases intrinsic motivation and we actually have evidence that praise may increase intrinsic motivation.Yet, research does find that how you praise your child matters and that some types of praise may be better than other types of praise. Fortunately, research gives us some guidance here.
How To Praise Your Child
So how exactly should you praise your children? Research provides the following tips:
- Praise the process, not the person. Praise your child’s effort, strategy and process, rather than praising traits that they cannot change as easily (such as intelligence, athleticism or beauty). Research finds that “process praise” (translation: praising effort, strategy and process) enhances children’s internal motivation and persistence in the face of challenge. “Person praise” (translation: praising fixed traits associated with the person such as “you are so smart/nice/beautiful”) tends to make children fixate more on their mistakes, give up more easily and blame themselves. Why does this happen? Imagine if your parents have always told you how smart you are and then you just cannot understand algebra. You might assume that your parents are wrong and you actually aren’t “smart” and decide there is no point in even trying because you are either “smart” or “not smart”— it’s a fixed trait that you can’t change. You might also feel less inclined to challenge yourself (because what if you fail and are no longer considered “smart”) and you may be more likely to cheat to prove you are “smart.” The pressure to achieve feels both overwhelming and out of your control. However, if your parents mostly praised you for how hard you worked in math, you would likely simply work harder if you did not understand algebra, entirely avoiding the intense pressure and existential crisis of no longer being “smart.”
- Use supportive rather than controlling praise. Research suggests that you should avoid using praise that aims to control your child’s behavior because this type of praise does seem to decrease intrinsic motivation. In other words, the goal of your praise should not be to try to pressure your child into doing what you want them to do. For example, rather than saying, “You are so good at science. You should be a doctor like me when you grow up,” say, “It seems like you really enjoy science and really work hard to understand it.” Be careful of any praise that uses the word “should” or may make your child feel pressured.
- Avoid using praise that compares your child to other children. When you use praise to compare your child to other children, it seems to enhance performance in the short term, but in the long-term this practice may lead your children to judge their performance only in relation to other people rather than meeting their own goals or enjoying it themselves. For example, rather than praising your child for being the best soccer player on their team, focus on their own performance. You want to be particularly careful about not comparing your child to their siblings with your praise (such as, “You are such a better listener than your brother”), since research finds that sibling comparisons are linked to behavior problems.
- Use specific rather than general praise. Research finds that praise with specific information helps children to learn how to improve their behavior in the future. For example, “good job putting your toys back in the bin when you were done using them” helps children to learn a specific expectation. If you simply say “good job” after your child cleans up their toys, they may not know what you are referring to. However, it is also important to mention that a recent study found that even general and vague praise (“Yea” in this study) may not undermine persistence or make kids view themselves more negatively. The only concern with this type of general praise is that it may not give children an idea of how to improve in the future.
- Use gestures as praise. Research also suggests that parents may want to use gestures (high fives, thumbs up) to encourage their children occasionally. Research finds that gestures may even be very effective in improving children’s self-evaluation, that is their own judgement of how they did and how they feel about it.
- Combine praise with positive attention. Try to use praise with positive attention or a positive nonverbal response (hug, smile, pat or another type of physical affection). Research finds that this may be the most effective in improving children’s behavior.
- Be sincere with your praise. This last tip may be the most important. Research suggests that when children sense that their parents are either over-praising or under-praising their performance, they are more likely to experience depression and lower academic performance. Research also finds that overly effusive praise (such as, “That is the most beautiful drawing I have ever seen”) is associated with children developing low self-esteem, avoiding challenges and becoming overly dependent on praise.
So Can You Say “I’m So Proud of You”?
There is no research that specifically examines the impact of telling your children “I’m so proud of you” or even research comparing phrases that focus on the child’s self-evaluation versus the adult’s evaluation (such as saying “You seem so happy with this artwork” versus “I think your artwork is so beautiful”) so it is hard to make a specific recommendation about this phrase. However, based on the research that we do have, there doesn’t seem to be anything wrong with saying “I’m proud of you.” However, research would suggest that you might want to make sure that you are specific (“I’m proud of you for trying so hard to make the team”), that you are not focusing on fixed traits (“I’m proud of you for helping others” versus “I’m proud of you for being a helper”) and that you aren’t being controlling or pressuring (“I’m so proud that you are finally getting A’s in math”).
What About “Good Job”?
Again, there is no research looking specifically at the phrase “good job.” Based on the research we do have, “good job” does not seem to be harmful but may not be specific enough. If your child doesn’t know what you are referring to, they may misinterpret or discredit your praise. In addition, “good job” is often used in an insincere way. I am imagining a scenario where your child insists that you watch them do hundreds of handstands in the pool and for each one you say “good job” without even looking up from your phone. It is easy to see how this experience would cheapen the experience of praise for children.
What Happens If You Don’t Praise Perfectly?
After reading all of this research, you may be feeling overwhelmed by all of these “praise rules” or guilty about the times you haven’t followed these guidelines. But don’t stress— you don’t have to do this perfectly (and literally no parent ever has)! Just aim for following these rules as often as you can. Research finds that as long as most of the praise that children hear (at least three out of four times) is the praise supported by research, children show increased persistence and improved self-evaluation. This suggests that even if you forget these rules 1 out of 4 times, there is no reason to worry. So when you slip up and call your child “smart” or give them an insincere “good job” (and trust me— we have all done it), your child will be just fine.
Some Examples of The Type of Praise You Should Use
I can see how hard you worked on that
